Tuesday, March 30, 2010

re: Pee Pee (you've been warned)

So I just took one of many daily trips to the corporate bathroom a few minutes ago and what I observed there became the inspiration for this guide.  Now I'm sure someone out there has already written on this but I'm too lazy to google it to make sure.  If there are terms here that have been used elsewhere, don't sue me.  Or worse, don't call me names.  As far as I know, this is an original work inspired by my own extensive research... which is watching people in the bathroom.  (Best disclaimer ever, I know)

Anywho, what I noticed is that each man has his own approach in operating a urinal.  A signature stance if you will.  A stance that is also a window into the man's psyche.  After reading this guide, you will be well equipped to pass judgments on random strangers just by watching them pee.

In my research, I have observed:

1. The Shy Guy
This method was developed sometime before the cold war and after the Jurassic period1 in a bathroom where stalls had no separation.  This is where our subject chooses the stall furthest from the existing occupants and angles himself in the direction of privacy.  An advanced user will also use both elbows to create a bridge between himself and the urinal, sacrificing hygiene for dignity.  Although he may appear timid, he is the most meticulous and strategic operator of the lot.

2. The Auto-Pilot
Here is a man in complete control.  You will often find this user standing at the urinal in a horse stance with one or both hands at his hips.  On some occasions, there will also be an arm's distance between himself and the target.  He is confident, albeit a bit reckless.  Proceed cautiously when approaching this fellow as to avoid the blast radius.

3. The Mayor
Most men enter the restroom with a particular focus in mind - go in, handle business, get out.  Not the Mayor.  This man is the social butterfly of the group.  You will find him immersed in conversation, often times with the Auto-Pilot, without fear of judgment or regard to personal space (there have even been reported instances of the "shoulder pat", although witnesses were not present to confirm).  The Mayor will often scan the perimeter upon entering the facilities.  If you are present at that time, it is strongly advised that you avoid eye contact.

4. The WIM
Short for "Woe is Me", the WIM is the man at the end of his road.. or at least appears so.  He will stand in front of the urinal with his head buried in his arm as it leans against the wall above.  Whether it's emotional distress or lack of sleep, the WIM is an apathetic creature on whom grime has no effect.  A complex and troubled man whose only moment of relief is.. well, this moment of relief.  Often times, he will emit what appears to be a distress signal in the form of a sigh.  However, this is actually a mating call to attract Mayors.

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Friday, March 19, 2010

Hey I'm tired, too!

You can stand over me all you want, I'm not going to look up.  Yeah you might be an old man... or you could be a young dude.  Either way, I'm not taking the chance and risking a guilt trip.  Hey look, I'm tired too.  I was up 'til 4 playing games.  Don't judge, I'm entitled.  And these legs... I know I look young but these knees feel like 40.  Yours look pretty fit.  And look, you just opened your wallet and put your Metrocard back in with one hand.  Shoot, I can't even-... oh wait, I think that was an AARP card.  Whatever that doesn't mean anything.  Probably got it off the internet or something.. what people do these days for discounted bowling.  Shameful, is what it is.  Ugh.. well, I guess I could stand... but how am I gonna hold my coffee??  At least you could put your bags of groceries on the floor.  I'm just gonna close my eyes and pretend like I didn't see him... or that sticker with the heart on it that I'm sitting on.  I mean come on, would I really get arrested for this?  How do they know I don't have mono or something?  Or maybe I'm emotionally devastated... does that count as a disability?  In the court of law?  No, YOU'RE being ridiculous!

Alright alright fine, you can have my seat but know this... I am doing this because I want to, not because I feel obligated or that I fear judgment from my fellow riders.  I'm doing this because I'm a goo-.. oh hey that pregnant lady is getting up.  Whew, crisis averted.  Goodnight

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

SPOILER ALERT!!

Now I know I'm gonna hurt some feelings with this because I'm basically taking the back door by addressing this publicly instead of being upfront with the individuals like a good friend would do... but that's why we have blogs

I absolutely hate spoilers.  Unless it's a show that I like to make fun of (eg American Idol), I don't want to know what happens in the story or to the characters until it happens.  When I watch 24, I like to be genuinely surprised at a plot twist, just like the writers intended.  When Lord of the Rings came out, I locked myself in my room and read the books before people could ruin the ending for me... all during finals week no less.  That's how important it is to me.

But apparently, people on Facebook like to show off how up-to-date they are.  At 9:16pm on a Monday evening, mofos be posting things like "I KNEW he was the mole!" or "I can't believe Jack just shot his best friend!".  You guys know that I'm about to delete you from my friends list right?

Well, I'm about to de-friend Google as well.  I just tried to search for the voice actor for a Final Fantasy XIII character (let's call him/her 'Scooter') and as I started typing the character's name, Google suggested "Scooter [major plot twisting, story altering, life changing event]".  WHAT THE FRANKS MAN?!?!?!  It's like you gotta keep yourself locked up until you finish the game (which would be 4 months later).  Don't get me wrong, I love the internet and I'm glad it's in my life and all but sometimes it needs to stop.. functioning... I guess.  Or maybe it's my fault for trying to seek out a little bit of knowledge?  I don't know.  But when people wonder why I'm never on AIM or Gchat, it's because somewhere, on someone's status update, something is about to get spoiled.. and I don't want your face to be on the wrong end of my fist.  So don't take it personally

Stay tuned for my next blog entry, tentatively titled "Why didn't you tell me??"