Tuesday, March 30, 2010

re: Pee Pee (you've been warned)

So I just took one of many daily trips to the corporate bathroom a few minutes ago and what I observed there became the inspiration for this guide.  Now I'm sure someone out there has already written on this but I'm too lazy to google it to make sure.  If there are terms here that have been used elsewhere, don't sue me.  Or worse, don't call me names.  As far as I know, this is an original work inspired by my own extensive research... which is watching people in the bathroom.  (Best disclaimer ever, I know)

Anywho, what I noticed is that each man has his own approach in operating a urinal.  A signature stance if you will.  A stance that is also a window into the man's psyche.  After reading this guide, you will be well equipped to pass judgments on random strangers just by watching them pee.

In my research, I have observed:

1. The Shy Guy
This method was developed sometime before the cold war and after the Jurassic period1 in a bathroom where stalls had no separation.  This is where our subject chooses the stall furthest from the existing occupants and angles himself in the direction of privacy.  An advanced user will also use both elbows to create a bridge between himself and the urinal, sacrificing hygiene for dignity.  Although he may appear timid, he is the most meticulous and strategic operator of the lot.

2. The Auto-Pilot
Here is a man in complete control.  You will often find this user standing at the urinal in a horse stance with one or both hands at his hips.  On some occasions, there will also be an arm's distance between himself and the target.  He is confident, albeit a bit reckless.  Proceed cautiously when approaching this fellow as to avoid the blast radius.

3. The Mayor
Most men enter the restroom with a particular focus in mind - go in, handle business, get out.  Not the Mayor.  This man is the social butterfly of the group.  You will find him immersed in conversation, often times with the Auto-Pilot, without fear of judgment or regard to personal space (there have even been reported instances of the "shoulder pat", although witnesses were not present to confirm).  The Mayor will often scan the perimeter upon entering the facilities.  If you are present at that time, it is strongly advised that you avoid eye contact.

4. The WIM
Short for "Woe is Me", the WIM is the man at the end of his road.. or at least appears so.  He will stand in front of the urinal with his head buried in his arm as it leans against the wall above.  Whether it's emotional distress or lack of sleep, the WIM is an apathetic creature on whom grime has no effect.  A complex and troubled man whose only moment of relief is.. well, this moment of relief.  Often times, he will emit what appears to be a distress signal in the form of a sigh.  However, this is actually a mating call to attract Mayors.


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  1. haha if i were a boy, i think i'd be the shy guy, but since i'm a girl, i'll say i'm "the shoe tapper"

  2. HAHAA, I just peed at my desk reading this. What does that make me? The toddler? Can you explain this one to my boss?