Thursday, May 06, 2010

Worse than a Toilet Seat

Why is it that whenever a scientific test is done on a the cleanliness of a surface, they always compare it to a toilet seat?  You'll always read an article about how dirty a door knob or a keyboard is... and they'll always say, "_____ has more germs than a toilet seat". 

I call malarky on these tests.  We're talking about a toilet seat, people... FECES!  What is dirtier than feces??  Yeah I know they're testing the seat and not the inside of the bowl, but I'm willing to bet they swabbed the the sides of the seat.  Try swabbing the back of the seat, where some of the doo doo water tends to splash.  I bet you'll find some germs there.  Like in the trillions.  Double if you're at a buffet.

Feces are gross man... I'd much rather eat food that fell on my keyboard than to eat off a toilet seat.  And that's science

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Gotcha sucka!

me: "Hello, Fece speaking"
co-worker: "Hi Fece, I was wondering if you could help me with something.  Do you know who the contact person would be for negotiating site contracts?"
me: "Hmm.. I'm guessing Carol?"
co-worker: "Oh ok.. thanks.  You know what, do you think you could reach out to Carol and...?"


About 3 out of 5 phone calls that I receive from this person happen just like this.  It usually starts out as a simple inquiry, then it becomes a trap.  But I don't think this is a superiority issue.  This co-worker and I are supposed to be considered equals on the hierarchy (although her job function is more involved than mine so I would understand if she felt she was higher on the chain).  I think it's just a matter social etiquette.  I mean you just can't set people up like that maaannn.  If you have a question, I can give you guidance but in the end you gotta handle your own business.  And I don't even know the background of the issue!  What am I gonna say to Carol once I contact her??

And what's worse?  She's actually a nice person, which makes it even harder to correct... for me anyways.  I never liked correcting people, ESPECIALLY when they take it well.  It just makes me feel bad afterward.  It's like once they concede, I instantly absorb their embarrassment and then I start apologizing.  Aye... but one of these days, I need to figure out a nice way to say "do it yourself".  In the mean time, I'll continue to take it and just vent about it on my blog like a good passive-aggressive Asian

*note - in order to protect the privacy of those involved, the names and events have been changed.  All except Fece.. that's my real name

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Small Talkin'

If there was ever a piece of advice that I could offer to the younger generation, it would be to strongly consider your career path while you're young.  Not because it'll earn you more money, but mainly because it will make small talk much easier.

As long as I've been an adult, I don't think I've ever had a conversation with someone that didn't involve my job.  You'll see, once you reach about 21-22, every conversation with each new person you meet will start like this:

stranger: "Hi, I'm _____"
me: "Nice to meet you, I'm Fece"
stranger: "Hi Fece.  So... what do you do?"

Sure it doesn't sound so bad but trust me, after the 400th time it starts to get annoying.  Lately I've been keeping time in my head, seeing how long it takes for this question to come up.  For me, I'll use it as a crutch if there's nothing else but most others will whip it out from the get go.  Now I don't have a bad job, but it's just hard to explain to people who don't know what it is.  It's nothing common like a doctor, lawyer, teacher... so most of the time I end up trying to explain it until the other person just gives up and nods.  Sometimes they yawn too, which is hilarious.

Why do we do this to ourselves??  I feel like I'm being judged by what I do for a living, with my approval rating slowly sinking as each word flies over their heads.  Shoot, I'm more bored than they are and I'm the one talking.  There's gotta be a better route to friendship.  Maybe we could try something different like, "Nice to meet you, I'm Fece. What is your biggest regret in life?".  I think you would get a lot more out of someone that way

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Dun Dun, Dun D-Dun...

The interesting parts of my day usually occur within the first 2 hours of it.  As much as I dislike public transportation, I know that it can also be quite entertaining.

Usually when I get into the train station, there's a 7 train docked and ready to go.  It's just a matter of "will I swipe my MetroCard in time to catch it?"  Sometimes it gets dramatic with the door-closing chime sounding as "Please Swipe Again" repeatedly flashes on the turnstile.  Exciting stuff.  

This morning was one of those relatively easy days where I made it on time and even got a seat to boot.  Shortly after, the chime went off.  As the door started to close, a 30-something year old woman made a sprint for the car.  Knowing that she was much too far to make it, she reached out and barely got her book in to stop the door.  I thought, “There goes the book.”  It was a thin soft cover… probably just thick enough to trip the sensors and hold the train up.  Still, I was kind of hoping to see the train leave the station with the book lodged between the doors, pages turning in the passing wind.  Well, give this lady credit for being determined because she wasn’t going down without a fight.  She wedged her fingers through the small gap and, just like the T1000 at the elevator, began to pry at that door.  I felt like John Connor cowering in the corner as Arnold the train conductor fought to defend me from this menace.  Just as she was starting to create some space, the conductor did the classic fake out move of opening and rapidly closing the door.  In that split second of false hope, she tried to lunge into the car only to have her head jostled by the rubber of the colliding doors.  I swear that all happened in slow motion it was so awesome.  I mean it was sad at first but once I saw she wasn’t seriously hurt, I might’ve chuckled a little.  (Or sympathized… depending on how you’re judging me right now)

Despite absorbing the near fatal blow, she somehow managed to keep an arm wedged in there.  This lady was in it to win it.  Thankfully for her, backup arrived as a busload of passengers stormed in from behind to overtake the door.  Holding her head, she rushed in and took her spot leaning against the opposite door, celebrating the victory of a battle well fought. 

I am glad she made it though.  She certainly deserved it after all the effort she put in.  It's embarrassing enough to have the whole car watching you struggle as they try to decide whether to help or to continue being annoyed at the delay you're causing.  Actually, one can say that your true colors show in these moments.  A moral fork in the road if you will.  I'm just making stuff up.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Patent Pending

My nieces from Ohio are over visiting this weekend.  I like when they come over because they're like my little best friends.  But the main reason why I like them is because they'll try anything... meaning any cockamamie food contraption that pops into my head.  Last year, we had the "burger hero", which was ground beef rolled into the length of a hero, Foreman Grilled (which tastes better than using a skillet, trust me), and then placed in a garlic buttered Italian loaf.  Mmm.. I still get reflux thinking about it.

Just like last year, my new creation isn't necessarily something revolutionary, but more like a remix of classic foods.  You can say I'm like P. Diddy in the kitchen... or Timbaland for you younger folks... or for you even younger folks, DJ McFetus.  So anyway, this year's creation is tentatively called the "S'more Dog" (patent pending).  I thought it would be hilarious to make a hot dog but using a banana in place of meat.  Most of my creations stem from my desire to make something funny.  I'm a comedian in the kitchen, you see.  I'm kinda like the Richard Pryor of... 

I took some pictures of the creation process not because I planned on making this "how to" guide, but more so because I wanted to take full credit of this quasi-invention before anyone else did and we all know that blogs are admissible evidence in patent infringement cases.  Actually, that may not be true but at least this'll gimme some street cred.

First, take a hot dog bun and toast it:
random junk optional

Then comes the goodness.  Cover one side of the bun with Nutella, the other with Marshmallow Fluff.


Next, take a banana and slice it in half the long way and wedge it in between the Nutella and Fluff. 

 hold on Reddi Wip, I'll get to ya..

Lastly, top it off with some whipped cream and you will instantly be the most popular kid in school.

Hey get that banana peel outta here!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for what happens to you or your teeth from this point forward.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

re: Pee Pee (you've been warned)

So I just took one of many daily trips to the corporate bathroom a few minutes ago and what I observed there became the inspiration for this guide.  Now I'm sure someone out there has already written on this but I'm too lazy to google it to make sure.  If there are terms here that have been used elsewhere, don't sue me.  Or worse, don't call me names.  As far as I know, this is an original work inspired by my own extensive research... which is watching people in the bathroom.  (Best disclaimer ever, I know)

Anywho, what I noticed is that each man has his own approach in operating a urinal.  A signature stance if you will.  A stance that is also a window into the man's psyche.  After reading this guide, you will be well equipped to pass judgments on random strangers just by watching them pee.

In my research, I have observed:

1. The Shy Guy
This method was developed sometime before the cold war and after the Jurassic period1 in a bathroom where stalls had no separation.  This is where our subject chooses the stall furthest from the existing occupants and angles himself in the direction of privacy.  An advanced user will also use both elbows to create a bridge between himself and the urinal, sacrificing hygiene for dignity.  Although he may appear timid, he is the most meticulous and strategic operator of the lot.

2. The Auto-Pilot
Here is a man in complete control.  You will often find this user standing at the urinal in a horse stance with one or both hands at his hips.  On some occasions, there will also be an arm's distance between himself and the target.  He is confident, albeit a bit reckless.  Proceed cautiously when approaching this fellow as to avoid the blast radius.

3. The Mayor
Most men enter the restroom with a particular focus in mind - go in, handle business, get out.  Not the Mayor.  This man is the social butterfly of the group.  You will find him immersed in conversation, often times with the Auto-Pilot, without fear of judgment or regard to personal space (there have even been reported instances of the "shoulder pat", although witnesses were not present to confirm).  The Mayor will often scan the perimeter upon entering the facilities.  If you are present at that time, it is strongly advised that you avoid eye contact.

4. The WIM
Short for "Woe is Me", the WIM is the man at the end of his road.. or at least appears so.  He will stand in front of the urinal with his head buried in his arm as it leans against the wall above.  Whether it's emotional distress or lack of sleep, the WIM is an apathetic creature on whom grime has no effect.  A complex and troubled man whose only moment of relief is.. well, this moment of relief.  Often times, he will emit what appears to be a distress signal in the form of a sigh.  However, this is actually a mating call to attract Mayors.


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Friday, March 19, 2010

Hey I'm tired, too!

You can stand over me all you want, I'm not going to look up.  Yeah you might be an old man... or you could be a young dude.  Either way, I'm not taking the chance and risking a guilt trip.  Hey look, I'm tired too.  I was up 'til 4 playing games.  Don't judge, I'm entitled.  And these legs... I know I look young but these knees feel like 40.  Yours look pretty fit.  And look, you just opened your wallet and put your Metrocard back in with one hand.  Shoot, I can't even-... oh wait, I think that was an AARP card.  Whatever that doesn't mean anything.  Probably got it off the internet or something.. what people do these days for discounted bowling.  Shameful, is what it is.  Ugh.. well, I guess I could stand... but how am I gonna hold my coffee??  At least you could put your bags of groceries on the floor.  I'm just gonna close my eyes and pretend like I didn't see him... or that sticker with the heart on it that I'm sitting on.  I mean come on, would I really get arrested for this?  How do they know I don't have mono or something?  Or maybe I'm emotionally devastated... does that count as a disability?  In the court of law?  No, YOU'RE being ridiculous!

Alright alright fine, you can have my seat but know this... I am doing this because I want to, not because I feel obligated or that I fear judgment from my fellow riders.  I'm doing this because I'm a goo-.. oh hey that pregnant lady is getting up.  Whew, crisis averted.  Goodnight

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Now I know I'm gonna hurt some feelings with this because I'm basically taking the back door by addressing this publicly instead of being upfront with the individuals like a good friend would do... but that's why we have blogs

I absolutely hate spoilers.  Unless it's a show that I like to make fun of (eg American Idol), I don't want to know what happens in the story or to the characters until it happens.  When I watch 24, I like to be genuinely surprised at a plot twist, just like the writers intended.  When Lord of the Rings came out, I locked myself in my room and read the books before people could ruin the ending for me... all during finals week no less.  That's how important it is to me.

But apparently, people on Facebook like to show off how up-to-date they are.  At 9:16pm on a Monday evening, mofos be posting things like "I KNEW he was the mole!" or "I can't believe Jack just shot his best friend!".  You guys know that I'm about to delete you from my friends list right?

Well, I'm about to de-friend Google as well.  I just tried to search for the voice actor for a Final Fantasy XIII character (let's call him/her 'Scooter') and as I started typing the character's name, Google suggested "Scooter [major plot twisting, story altering, life changing event]".  WHAT THE FRANKS MAN?!?!?!  It's like you gotta keep yourself locked up until you finish the game (which would be 4 months later).  Don't get me wrong, I love the internet and I'm glad it's in my life and all but sometimes it needs to stop.. functioning... I guess.  Or maybe it's my fault for trying to seek out a little bit of knowledge?  I don't know.  But when people wonder why I'm never on AIM or Gchat, it's because somewhere, on someone's status update, something is about to get spoiled.. and I don't want your face to be on the wrong end of my fist.  So don't take it personally

Stay tuned for my next blog entry, tentatively titled "Why didn't you tell me??"